And welcome to my first thinking blog post. I know I have been meaning to post my book post, but I've had to start again, and have lost the motivation after it was lost about a month ago when the site crashed. :| Just my luck, right?
So, in this post, I was planning on writing to you and telling you what was running through my head a couple of weeks ago. I was at a Movie Night with my friends, at Ben's place. We called it a Social Gathering, i think it was, later on in the night after we had walked to town and back, but that has nothing to do with the post.
ANYWAY! I was sitting with Ben's older sister, Whitney, and we were talking, cause all the others had gone up town for a pie and energy drink run. We were talking about boys, as girls do, and I realized that I was the only one in the group of us at the 'Social Gathering' who was still single (Whitney didn't count 'cause she's not in our group xD)
That made me sad. I mean, Josh had his Mrs Josh's Missus (Sarah), Nick has his Tehgan, Angie had her Tarn, and Ben and Ruby are just waiting to happen.
And then there's little ol' Kaisa. Alone. With no one to snuggle.. no one to love...
Alone.
>.<
So, it was like 5:30am, we were watching Transformers, and I swear I was the only one watching. Tarn and Angie were 'making out' on the mattress which I had been kicked off of TWICE!, Josh was asleep on the couch, and so were Ben and Ruby on the bed. Nick had left, so I was left sitting on the small one-seater couch-thing with nothing to entertain myself. SO! I took out my book and pen, and my iPod to drown out the sounds of the two on the mattress, and set to writing.
I was extremely upset by this point, and I could almost feel tears coming, which i was not looking forward to shedding, especially with it so quiet in the room, except for the two lovebirds. They werent exactly quiet. xDD
This was what I wrote:
(Excuse my swearing ;D)
'Oh Lordy.
So super fucking awkward and lonely right now.
The whole night spent as the only single person in the room with no one to relate to has kinda got me... nogilistic... (is that how you say it??)
It got me wondering whether I was really happy being single. I realized I'm not, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it.
Boy's simply don't like me, and it hurts.
Because of a reason I am unawares of.
It's bullshit.
And I hate it.
Fuuuuuuck yo!
>.<
Y'know, I just wanna have someone like Angie has Tarn, or like Abbey has Chris.
The love they share is so beautiful and pure, and I just want to share it too.
Have some love of my own.
All night was just spent with soon-to-be-couple Ben and Ruby (they just don't know it yet), making-out couple Tarn and Angie, taken Josh by his Sarah (who was not present) and taken Nick by his Teghan (who didn't have the balls to show up.)
I was alone.
So lonely.
Just wanting to be loved.
I am a sucker for love, I really am, and I really want to find it.
Even just find someone who wants me.
I'll be happy if someone admits to liking me, and preferably acts upon it.
But I'm not too fazed, y'know?
I'm just too self-conscious about myself, and I feel like no one is interested in me, which is extremely... hurtful. In a way.
I dont know how to explain it.
I feel as if I'm not good enough for anyone, and the fact no-one anyone asked me to Formal even as a friend really pretty much kicked me in the gonads.
I'm going to Formal alone.
F.M.L!
*sigh*
I hate this.
So much.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkk!!!
Now I feel sick. :'(
It's all this bullshit. Blaaaahhh!!!!
Lochie and Sam seem like my best bets. I mean Lochie is super nice and stuff... aaaaand Sam is really awesome and nice and funny and I would LOVE to be with him, but I don't know what's going on with him and Kim. She asked him to Formal with her, so IDK if she likes him and expects them to get together afterwards...
IDK.
It's all a mess.
I keep seeing him looking at me in Maths, the only class we have together...
It just keeps fuelling my hope.'
As you can see, I was pretty down in the dumps, getting pretty desperate sounding by the end there. xDD
But, at least you have seen me in a pretty bad place. Im still there, lets be honest with each other, strange person of the internet. I havent been the same since before the Formal. The Formal was a huge kick in the heart. I mean, I got asked to dance by Ben, and that was courtesy. He promiced me, thats all. *sigh*
Love you all.
'Till next time, y'all.
<3
Kaisa'x
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