Ahh!
Yeh, I know I'm back for the second time today, but I just wanna write what I'm feeling down, which is defiantly the thing a blog is for, so I am gonna make the most of it while I am in this odd mood of mine. This... unsatisfied mood? No, that sounds terrible. Um... Gah! What's the word I am looking for? How abouts... -un happy-.. yeh, lets got with that. Un happy.
So... yeh.
Lets go, yo!
So, I feel as if I should start from the beginning. But you already know quite a lot... But no, I do feel as if i should. But i also feel as if I would be inconveniencing you by doing so.
Oh fine, you convinced me! xD
So, for my New Years Resolutions last year, I decided to do a shit-load, so I will have a real chance of actually achieving at least one of them. 31 in total. :)
So, One of the main ones was to stay single for the year. And trust me, It hasn't been easy wanting to keep it. I have been wanting to get rid of it for months, due to some boys coming and going, being all too easy to like.
But now... I am really staring to like his guy.
Ben Reihana.
I dont know what it is about him, but he is nice to me. I don't get that often from boys, and even when I do, it's rare and often followed by some nasty-ness of some sorts. He's also part of the popular-type group (as popular was you can get at my school anyway) xD So when he talks to me, it's a shock. It's something that really takes me by surprise.
He gives me butterflies when I think about him, or look at him, but not when I'm talking to him.
When I talk to him, I keep my cool. ;)
It's a trick I have mastered. :3
Anyway, I just feel as if I have to get this all out somehow. No matter how bad I want it to happen, how bad I wanna talk to someone and let it ALL out. I mean, Ruby would be perfect. I will plan that for another time.
I just... I just wanna have something perfect and beautiful with someone.
I wouldn't say I'm desperate.
Lordy no.
Lonely though?
Hell yeh.
I HATE being single when everyone around me is getting into relationships. I mean, sure, when I see people like Ruby breaking up with Jake, I wonder; 'Is it worth it?'. But I remember how happy she was, and I realize it really is.
The heartbreak is only temporary.
And the heartbreak doesn't need to be there at all.
I want the typical teenage relationship.
-sigh- I'm sounding desperate now, aren't I? -facepalm-
I talked to Nick about it once, and he was the same as me, agreeing that he also wanted that 'Childhood Sweetheart'. Someone you can look back on in 20 years and still remember how in love you were with them.
I am sad to say, at the moment, I have only one to look back on without cringing, and he is now Gay, so I still cringe a little.
The worry that it was you who turned him off girls is forever to be a worry in your mind when this happenes, trust me.
-facepalm-
Kaisa'x
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
If only I were prepared.
Today, I found out that I am reckless, but I am deathly afraid of the consequences of those actions.
Last night, I was texting Ben Reihana (the guy i like xDD) and Mitchell, and I dunno, I managed to say things that made me feel like a complete idiot today. I somehow expected them to try and talk to me about the things I said, or something, but nothing has changed, especially where Mitchell is concerned, 'cause I asked him for advice (which didnt help AT ALL by the way.) on what I should do with Ben, although I didn't use Ben's name. No need to elude Mitchell to the fact I like his friend ;)
Anyway, I feel like a complete idiot, especially around Ben, 'cause he doesn't like... Idk, all he talks to me about is the Gym, which is like... making me kinda BLAH! 'Cause we haven't had a proper convo about anything other than the gym or Circuits.
It's lame.
But I like him anyway. ;)
I can't help it.
Last night, I was texting Ben Reihana (the guy i like xDD) and Mitchell, and I dunno, I managed to say things that made me feel like a complete idiot today. I somehow expected them to try and talk to me about the things I said, or something, but nothing has changed, especially where Mitchell is concerned, 'cause I asked him for advice (which didnt help AT ALL by the way.) on what I should do with Ben, although I didn't use Ben's name. No need to elude Mitchell to the fact I like his friend ;)
Anyway, I feel like a complete idiot, especially around Ben, 'cause he doesn't like... Idk, all he talks to me about is the Gym, which is like... making me kinda BLAH! 'Cause we haven't had a proper convo about anything other than the gym or Circuits.
It's lame.
But I like him anyway. ;)
I can't help it.
Friday, June 24, 2011
New Hope.
I seem to have found someone who likes me?
I hope?
*sigh*
It's one of those things where you simply aren't sure, and you don't wanna make a fool of yourself by like... putting yourself out there. I mean, I do like him, thats for sure. I get butterflies when I see him, and the eye contact we keep on sharing is a good feeling, especially when there are smiles exchanged.
I get nervous though, looking away too quickly.
I should be the tough bitch and hold his gaze for a little longer. then get nervous and look away. That way, he'll see how he makes me nervous.
:3 It's a brilliant plan!
I just hate being single.
It sucks.
<3
Kaisa'x
Monday, June 20, 2011
No-One For Me?
iHola!
And welcome to my first thinking blog post. I know I have been meaning to post my book post, but I've had to start again, and have lost the motivation after it was lost about a month ago when the site crashed. :| Just my luck, right?
So, in this post, I was planning on writing to you and telling you what was running through my head a couple of weeks ago. I was at a Movie Night with my friends, at Ben's place. We called it a Social Gathering, i think it was, later on in the night after we had walked to town and back, but that has nothing to do with the post.
ANYWAY! I was sitting with Ben's older sister, Whitney, and we were talking, cause all the others had gone up town for a pie and energy drink run. We were talking about boys, as girls do, and I realized that I was the only one in the group of us at the 'Social Gathering' who was still single (Whitney didn't count 'cause she's not in our group xD)
That made me sad. I mean, Josh had his Mrs Josh's Missus (Sarah), Nick has his Tehgan, Angie had her Tarn, and Ben and Ruby are just waiting to happen.
And then there's little ol' Kaisa. Alone. With no one to snuggle.. no one to love...
Alone.
>.<
So, it was like 5:30am, we were watching Transformers, and I swear I was the only one watching. Tarn and Angie were 'making out' on the mattress which I had been kicked off of TWICE!, Josh was asleep on the couch, and so were Ben and Ruby on the bed. Nick had left, so I was left sitting on the small one-seater couch-thing with nothing to entertain myself. SO! I took out my book and pen, and my iPod to drown out the sounds of the two on the mattress, and set to writing.
I was extremely upset by this point, and I could almost feel tears coming, which i was not looking forward to shedding, especially with it so quiet in the room, except for the two lovebirds. They werent exactly quiet. xDD
This was what I wrote:
(Excuse my swearing ;D)
'Oh Lordy.
So super fucking awkward and lonely right now.
The whole night spent as the only single person in the room with no one to relate to has kinda got me... nogilistic... (is that how you say it??)
It got me wondering whether I was really happy being single. I realized I'm not, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it.
Boy's simply don't like me, and it hurts.
Because of a reason I am unawares of.
It's bullshit.
And I hate it.
Fuuuuuuck yo!
>.<
Y'know, I just wanna have someone like Angie has Tarn, or like Abbey has Chris.
The love they share is so beautiful and pure, and I just want to share it too.
Have some love of my own.
All night was just spent with soon-to-be-couple Ben and Ruby (they just don't know it yet), making-out couple Tarn and Angie, taken Josh by his Sarah (who was not present) and taken Nick by his Teghan (who didn't have the balls to show up.)
I was alone.
So lonely.
Just wanting to be loved.
I am a sucker for love, I really am, and I really want to find it.
Even just find someone who wants me.
I'll be happy if someone admits to liking me, and preferably acts upon it.
But I'm not too fazed, y'know?
I'm just too self-conscious about myself, and I feel like no one is interested in me, which is extremely... hurtful. In a way.
I dont know how to explain it.
I feel as if I'm not good enough for anyone, and the fact no-one anyone asked me to Formal even as a friend really pretty much kicked me in the gonads.
I'm going to Formal alone.
F.M.L!
*sigh*
I hate this.
So much.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkk!!!
Now I feel sick. :'(
It's all this bullshit. Blaaaahhh!!!!
Lochie and Sam seem like my best bets. I mean Lochie is super nice and stuff... aaaaand Sam is really awesome and nice and funny and I would LOVE to be with him, but I don't know what's going on with him and Kim. She asked him to Formal with her, so IDK if she likes him and expects them to get together afterwards...
IDK.
It's all a mess.
I keep seeing him looking at me in Maths, the only class we have together...
It just keeps fuelling my hope.'
As you can see, I was pretty down in the dumps, getting pretty desperate sounding by the end there. xDD
But, at least you have seen me in a pretty bad place. Im still there, lets be honest with each other, strange person of the internet. I havent been the same since before the Formal. The Formal was a huge kick in the heart. I mean, I got asked to dance by Ben, and that was courtesy. He promiced me, thats all. *sigh*
Me and Ruby at the Formal. :3 ^^
Me and Ben. :3
Love you all.
'Till next time, y'all.
<3
Kaisa'x
And welcome to my first thinking blog post. I know I have been meaning to post my book post, but I've had to start again, and have lost the motivation after it was lost about a month ago when the site crashed. :| Just my luck, right?
So, in this post, I was planning on writing to you and telling you what was running through my head a couple of weeks ago. I was at a Movie Night with my friends, at Ben's place. We called it a Social Gathering, i think it was, later on in the night after we had walked to town and back, but that has nothing to do with the post.
ANYWAY! I was sitting with Ben's older sister, Whitney, and we were talking, cause all the others had gone up town for a pie and energy drink run. We were talking about boys, as girls do, and I realized that I was the only one in the group of us at the 'Social Gathering' who was still single (Whitney didn't count 'cause she's not in our group xD)
That made me sad. I mean, Josh had his Mrs Josh's Missus (Sarah), Nick has his Tehgan, Angie had her Tarn, and Ben and Ruby are just waiting to happen.
And then there's little ol' Kaisa. Alone. With no one to snuggle.. no one to love...
Alone.
>.<
So, it was like 5:30am, we were watching Transformers, and I swear I was the only one watching. Tarn and Angie were 'making out' on the mattress which I had been kicked off of TWICE!, Josh was asleep on the couch, and so were Ben and Ruby on the bed. Nick had left, so I was left sitting on the small one-seater couch-thing with nothing to entertain myself. SO! I took out my book and pen, and my iPod to drown out the sounds of the two on the mattress, and set to writing.
I was extremely upset by this point, and I could almost feel tears coming, which i was not looking forward to shedding, especially with it so quiet in the room, except for the two lovebirds. They werent exactly quiet. xDD
This was what I wrote:
(Excuse my swearing ;D)
'Oh Lordy.
So super fucking awkward and lonely right now.
The whole night spent as the only single person in the room with no one to relate to has kinda got me... nogilistic... (is that how you say it??)
It got me wondering whether I was really happy being single. I realized I'm not, but there's not a whole lot I can do about it.
Boy's simply don't like me, and it hurts.
Because of a reason I am unawares of.
It's bullshit.
And I hate it.
Fuuuuuuck yo!
>.<
Y'know, I just wanna have someone like Angie has Tarn, or like Abbey has Chris.
The love they share is so beautiful and pure, and I just want to share it too.
Have some love of my own.
All night was just spent with soon-to-be-couple Ben and Ruby (they just don't know it yet), making-out couple Tarn and Angie, taken Josh by his Sarah (who was not present) and taken Nick by his Teghan (who didn't have the balls to show up.)
I was alone.
So lonely.
Just wanting to be loved.
I am a sucker for love, I really am, and I really want to find it.
Even just find someone who wants me.
I'll be happy if someone admits to liking me, and preferably acts upon it.
But I'm not too fazed, y'know?
I'm just too self-conscious about myself, and I feel like no one is interested in me, which is extremely... hurtful. In a way.
I dont know how to explain it.
I feel as if I'm not good enough for anyone, and the fact no-one anyone asked me to Formal even as a friend really pretty much kicked me in the gonads.
I'm going to Formal alone.
F.M.L!
*sigh*
I hate this.
So much.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkk!!!
Now I feel sick. :'(
It's all this bullshit. Blaaaahhh!!!!
Lochie and Sam seem like my best bets. I mean Lochie is super nice and stuff... aaaaand Sam is really awesome and nice and funny and I would LOVE to be with him, but I don't know what's going on with him and Kim. She asked him to Formal with her, so IDK if she likes him and expects them to get together afterwards...
IDK.
It's all a mess.
I keep seeing him looking at me in Maths, the only class we have together...
It just keeps fuelling my hope.'
As you can see, I was pretty down in the dumps, getting pretty desperate sounding by the end there. xDD
But, at least you have seen me in a pretty bad place. Im still there, lets be honest with each other, strange person of the internet. I havent been the same since before the Formal. The Formal was a huge kick in the heart. I mean, I got asked to dance by Ben, and that was courtesy. He promiced me, thats all. *sigh*
Love you all.
'Till next time, y'all.
<3
Kaisa'x
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